Ramblings of In Sanity

Interesting 12 hours

2009-09-03T23:44:00.000-07:00

This past weekend, primarily Sat. from 6a till midnight was perhaps one of the most concentrated roller coasters I have been on in quite some time. I was able to make the 6:30a standby flight to the bay area, scheduled to arrive at exactly 9:30a, just in time to participate in and meet my honor as a speaker at a Powerful Women International Conference. Although it was attended by a modest number of attendees, the degree and caliber of the speakers and people there was truly humbling. With the focus being the empowerment of women and me the only male and one of the primary speakers I felt excited and a little anxious in my ability to build trust and help create a safe space where people felt comfortable to let their guards down and connect.

During moments though, I'll admit, I did feel the impetus to "look good" and present myself more successfully or more intelligently than I may be. In those moments, I tried to listen more keenly and bring my focus back to the richness and depth of the attendees' lives. There were some truly inspirational women there, for sure, from having overcome divorce, being a single parent while working full time and going to law school at the age of 50, to grappling with feeding their creative, spiritual side while trying to be planted in the monetary reality of day to day living they simply blew me away.

Later that day, late evening, I went to have some drinks with a friend at a bar in Castro. Castro is the center for those who prescribe to alternative lifestyles in San Francisco and my friend, who's gay, brought me to a few bars to check out the local scene so to speak. Shortly thereafter, as I left the bar momentarily and walked around the corner to take a phone call, I suddenly found myself witnessing a small protest in the middle of the street.

I'll have to admit that this is the first time I have ever been so up close to a protest. This may sound naive and perhaps even cynical, but I tend to be more a supporter of mobilizing media and spreading the viral word about the cause hopefully inspiring people to learn more about it and support it if they feel moved. Stopping traffic, with a number of drivers growing angrier and angrier by the minute doesn't seem (to me) to be the most effective route of activism. Moments later, realizing I had no clue where I was, witnessing what was going on, I called my friend to let him know where I was. He met me a few mins later at the Walgreens around the corner, but still in view of the demonstration.

Apparently the protest was in honor of Tyli'a Mack, a 21 yr. old member of the transgendered community who was brutally stabbed to death just a few days in Washington D.C. She and a friend were headed towards the Transgendered Health Empowerment Clinic (THE) when a man who had shared some words with them earlier at a store waited for the right time to make his attack. Mack died 30 mins after reaching Howard University Hospital and her friend survived after suffering several wounds.

I'll be honest, I am fairly ignorant about the dynamics of the transgendered community. In fact, it is only recently that I have explored nuances of the gay/lesbian world with friends who have forgiven my naiveté. If it is one thing that has been profoundly reinforced is that people are people and they are beautiful no matter what package they come in; and I don't have to understand them or even know them to respect and honor their right to live.

21 yrs old - to be walking down the street with a friend, and being attacked by a person I apparently angered who feels the need to pull out a knife push it through my body until he is content with endeavor only to do it several more times until his content turns into satisfaction. What would be going through my mind? What would flash through it? What would flash through your's?

I thought about all this as my friend told me about how this protest was a testimony of the work he and other activists had done not only in the field but also in the board room through policy writing (for the past four years, he has bene on the council of HIV prevention and creating awareness for and with the GLBT community). With our arms around each other and tears tricking down my cheeks as I thought about the life of a perfect stranger taken for no reason - I realized the power of protest.

Had the forty something people not been in there chanting and holding their protest in the heart of the Castro district, I would have been sharing a few laughs over drinks ignorant that a fellow human being had their life taken simply for choosing to be different.

Wonderment...not of the good kind

2009-08-31T15:39:00.000-07:00

Reconnecting

2009-08-27T00:08:00.000-07:00

The past week my family and i have been in the midst of a massive move, massive not in terms of distance since it is still within New Jersey, but more so in terms of quantity and the emotional uprisings that going through decades of letters, journals, and memories of the past can stir up.

Among the many things that I came across in my purging was a journal from several years ago when I was a young tike in my early 20's single and engaged in my quest to know myself. I was passionate, intense, and raw in my poetry untainted by the seeming obligations and possible pressures of relationships and other more "real world" responsibilities. Years later, after having gone through various twists and turns moments where in some ways I had to lose myself to find myself, I reach that state again, single engaged and raw. As I reconnect with my essence "my who'ness" as a friend would put it, being more and more grounded within my "self", as I read these once written expressions, they again provide a pathway to help me connect with my muse.

In the tradition I grew up in there a deep respect for "The Great Mother" as creative feminine force in nature often associated with creative, generative process - the arts, knowledge, self realization, etc - and so love is in this case becomes and experience of connection - eros, the feeling of being "in the moment" when you look out a watch a bird tweet it's way along with sipping the soothing drops from a cup of tea in the morning, or when you have conversations with your inner circle where you're all on the same wavelength and everyone is perfect just the way they are, or when you look into your lover's eyes in deep appreciation for each other's being-ness loving loving.

The following are two such short pieces. They talk a lot about a deep yearning and longing. For me, one of the deepest sources of joy is meeting people who share a similar passion, intensity for their work and own creative processes. Somewhere along the way in the past several years, I found myself deep in the trenches of internalized "should do's", "need to's", and "have to's", and now while that I have value for those, they exist inside a larger context of creativity, self discovery, and resonating with fellow "passionates".

Home Again

Please take me back home
Back to the alien world I came from
Where I can once again be happy
and content
Where I can sit watching the sky
and give a satisfied sigh
Thinking all the while
"I finally know".

Please take me back to the land of kings
where there are no strings,
obligations attached to people and things
Where I can once again see and feel the pulsation of life
all around me
The birds, the grass, the trees
Where I can be free from the illusions
of my dillusion based perceptions
All all around I see there are only
living perfections
Where everything is right
harmoniously in its own place.
Where things are never said
but sensitivity felt and understood

Please take me back to this land of harmony
where I belong
And The Mother sings her melodious song
Lulling me in her arms
While I enter a deep sleep ecstasy.

Another caveat:
I am a beggar for love
A pan-handler for passion
Swimming in the sea of ecstasy
Flying in the winds of infinity
As my being pours over me
Feet below, gaze above

"SING!" (a poem from the past)

2009-06-11T03:48:00.000-07:00

As I endeavor to find my creative muse, I tripped over some old poems and among them was the following which I wrote at a threshold of growth. It was shortly before I was called to apply to the academic program I'm currently in and I was just questioning my "purpose" and feeling the internal pressure to have to "figure it out"....

SING!

I'm sitting here at the crossroads of my existence
Running out of my creative sustenance
Caught between two polar opposites
With a noose around my esophagus
Runnin' outta time
Goin' outta my mind
Will you be so kind?
To help me find my sanity?

Trapped between 2 realities
Losing the grips of my moralities
I am my own worst enemy
And the key to my serenity
Why can't I
Just fly
High in the sky
No "hellos" or "goodbyes"
Nor bursting laugher or sighs

Trapped between who I am and who I wanna be
It's too hard,
Can't you see,
To manifest my divinity?

It takes too much outta me
To hypothesize
And begin to realize
How to self-actualize

I've forgotten
And spoiled myself rotten
Grown soft as cotton
As I'm trottin'
On this downward spiral
My BEING dull by the confrontation of life.

To be free from this dillusion
And be master of this illusion
I must bring to fusion
The causes of my confusion

I must shed my cacoon for my wings
And let freedom ring
From the corners of my being

BREAK OUT
From doubt
And shout out loud!
At the top of my lungs
As my past is hung
With its neck wrung
Making way
Without delay
For the ideal
To become real!

Not to play some given part
BUT CREATE FROM THE START
My own spiritual chart!

To shed my cacoon for my wings
And let freedom ring
From the corners of my being

I hold the key within me
To unlocking my true reality

To SHED MY CACOON FOR MY WINGS
AND LET FREEDOM RING
FROM THE CORNERS OF MY BEING!

Playing it safe, being half alive or rocking the boat, being fully alive - which is better?

2009-06-05T06:47:00.000-07:00

It's about 6:30a here in SF and I've been up all night, after a long flight back from Chicago, an hour and a half trek from the airport, breaking in my new "perfect pushups" and energized...all because of the following revelations....

After leaving Chicago in a bit of a mentally paralyzing uncertain state about where I stand in my relationship primarily due to my doubts about myself, I was committed to finding some clarity with no clue how. Not only could I not see the metaphorical forest from the trees, but the fog was so think, I couldn't even see the trees. The minute our flight stabilizes, down came the meal tray and out came my laptop. I was ready to journal and reflect no matter how much typing I had to do.

One of the things Riddhi said really hit home to me, "in whatever a person does, if they don't give it 100%, then what's the point? might as well just give it up and go onto something you CAN commit 100% to", that among many things we talked about during our 4 hr drive to Midway stuck with me. As I started running typographic diarrhea of emotion (and pardon the analogy, y'know sometimes when you've been venting or been in a funk for a while there just comes a time you say "alright pal, enough is enough, just give it up and move on?" .. yeah, that's kind of the effect I was going for with that one), I suddenly heard the words of a coach and dear friend of mine saying,

"Parth, we're all just a bunch of conversations, a series of patterns that react based on triggers...someone flips the switch, pushes THAT button and boom we go, conversations come flooding in, the thing is that we've never been taught how to see which statements in our internal monologue are conversations and how to choose which ones to empower."

So true! It's like TV cords is permanently plugged in, the remote's broke, and the setting's on scan (the monkey mind constantly jumping), and we have no idea how to focus in on what's being said and critically look at it cuz we're just comforted by the noise of it. The overarching themes of those TV shows, or "contexts" behind-the-scenes dictate the story line and so the stories begin. Slowly letting this soak in, I find myself fired up by the prospect of writing my own themes for today and this weekend, allowing myself permission to be totally creative.

I recently came across the following article about a young woman whose sentiment on living life fully really resonated http://bit.ly/137Lbv. I can recall that during those moments I get self conscious about what others might think or how I might get perceived, immediately following comes a sense of "I could have, but didn't". During those moments stories like these are inspiring and motivating in bringing me back to creating my own themes/contexts for MY life and for those individuals and communities I want to touch and empower.

Well, game on! And I invite you to play with me. On this Friday, with the weekend fast approaching, what themes would you like to create? What lights YOU up? What gets YOU out of bed?

I've also learned from past teachers who have said that to keep things in existence, present, and clear, we need precise tools...I recently came across http://www.toodledo.com where you can manage life around contexts instead of mundane blah tasks. Some of my contexts include: Expanding My Community (scheduled correspondence to all friends), Expand my Knowledge (articles to read for class, inspiring stories to feed the soul, etc.) and Restoring My Power (lists of areas I'm behind in or have been withholding communication with people). The moment I feel like I'm dragging my feet, I take a moment to read these contexts and those tasks no longer look like things to do, but rather opportunities to build towards something that's important to me.

What will you create? Once you have it, share it with others, and have them share it with you. Lets get inspired together!

Long Hiatus

2009-05-22T03:42:00.000-07:00

So, it's been an incredibly long hiatus since I've posted anything new. Through the various trials and tribulations of life, I now find myself in San Francisco, at the last semester of school at CIIS embarking on an amazing opportunity. This semester we are called to create a project in an area that inspires us.

There are few things I've been toying with:

The first is a novel that has been beating inside of my for about 3 years now about a female character who goes through an incredible journey of discovering herself, of grappling with her own identity and even sexuality at times. She starts her experience of herself in one context-the world she grew up in and so closely identified herself with and then through a dislocation ends up shattering that context situating herself in whole new world and world view. Yeah, sorry, a bunch of big words and heady thoughts, but I don't want to give it away! :-) ...

So that's the first endeavor

The other is actually something that has been beating inside of me for nearly a decade and that's a vision of finally pursuing creating educational curriculum which combines conventional education, transformational education, and service education in indigenous countries - yup, gonna be a bit of a long road and a little off the beaten path, but I feel like I've finally found my calling! I love kids and have worked with them in a number of capacities.

If I could provide a structure where kids can learn math, reading, etc. as well as learning to build communities of acceptance, love, and connection while having the option of mastering their local trade craft, they would be incredibly empowered to design their own life. Anyhow, I'm a big dork and could probably fill up pages and pages of why and what I envision.

I think that's it for now, I'll be sure to update MUCH more frequently moving forward!

Expectations and Projections...

2008-08-17T00:51:00.001-07:00

It's a funny thing about expectations and reflections ...

I once read,
"That one's perception of the world is a direct reflection of one's perception of one's self."

I've lately been trying to watch how many times throughout the day, I find myself projecting on someone or any particular situation a notion of "should" or "have to". That he "should" feel this way, or this situation "shouldn't" be the way that it is right now. I'm beginning to see how the moment I'm projecting that, that's the very moment that disconnected from being present to that individual and their experience ... or the experience of this particular moment.

The more I'm resisting what's currently happening, ironically what's currently happening tends to magnify or escalate. The moment, I'm equanimous about the current situation and noticing when expectations come up and when I begin projecting, that's the very moment that something totally new - a new relationship with the present moment becomes available. It is in that very moment, I realize choice and what "choice" really is. The moment I'm actively choosing the present moment or being in the present moment, vs. projecting expectations or even being resigned about it - it is in that very moment that I am creatively connected.

It's truly incredible to notice how much of my energy is spend engaged in how people and situations should or shouldn't be. Observing more and more and bringing myself back to the current moment, the more I realize that time is actually moving a bit slower. That I'm able to enjoy each and every moment and however way anyone or anything is is simply perfect. This active engagement is not to be confused with apathy or indifference nor does it mean that one shouldn't have goals or have results they want to produce. Rather, utilizing the experience of equanimity becomes an incredibly powerful access in moving things forward because thoughts, feelings, intentions, even actions become incredibly clear and targetted ...

Interesting :-) ...

The Purpose of Life by Sogyal Rinpoche

2008-08-10T23:48:00.000-07:00

Back in Jersey

2008-08-10T22:21:00.000-07:00

So I'm back in Jersey for the first long extended stay since December.....

It's interesting, while things haven't changed much, I know that I've changed a tremendous amount. In these past 7 months, riding literally a roller coaster ride, there have been some incredible lessons learned. Lessons in autonomy, in trust, in faith, in friendship and on a more functional note, lessons in management, leadership, and humility.

Let's re-wind and re-cap:

- End of Jan: I attended a YJA Board meeting not only where I met new members of the local Chicago Convention Committee who we'd be working with to put on the 2008 YJA Convention, but also my partner and girl friend. I met her at probably one of the most prolific junctures in my life - a time when I had moved across the coast endeavoring "to find myself" - or more so see where my internal faith and strength would take me. While I was set on not being in a long distance rel'ship, her heart and soul were simply too beautiful for me to pass up on....

At the same time, I had started the first trimester of my co-hort and was staying with my best friend, Mike....trying to get situated - a stranger in a strange land trying to grow some roots.

- The end of Feb: This marked yet another major transition. Upon returning to SF from the YJA Winter Retreat in the Poconos, I found myself moving to a room in a cabin in a Healing and Wellness Center in the Santa Cruz mountains, about 2 and a half hours outside of San Francisco. Committed to live in a place of spiritual nourishment, I moved in with a roommate who was ardent in not having a roommate. However, after nearly 6 hours of conversations, we realized we were on the same wavelength in terms of how we wanted to evolved and deeply felt a familiarity and a connection, as well as a comfort in knowing that we could help each other in evolving.

It just so happened that the plans for the Marshall Creek Center went through its growing stages as well. Any center not founded on principles of integrity and honesty tends to finds it's way onto the detours of what its inhabitants need in order to grow and evolve. As the seasons changed, so did the intention of Marshall Creek. As financial tolls added up, a place which was once intended to be a Center for Community and Co-creation, found itself switching gears to become more of a space to be rented for healers and therapists to bring their clients to.

I realize even in my own life, how it is much easier to paint a rosy picture of how things are on the outside, when deep inside there could be a storm brewing - a war between the primordial forces of the self tugging the soul in opposing directions. When the forces of power, control, and denial get so strong that it takes up the space which was otherwise meant for love, partnership, and honesty. The funny thing is, is that while one can easily view these shifts and turn from the lens of right/wrong, good/bad ... it is the mature self that realizes that things need to naturally take their course in order to expand and outgrow the paradigms inside of which things once exist. We all karmic relationships to fulfill - just a person meets another for the first time and yet feels a long time connection for lifetimes prior.

And so in three to four short months Marshall Creek was to undergo it's own metastasis, as the people who created it and those who were brought to it.

- fast forward to the end of May: Sensing these subtle yet incredibly powerful shifts, I realized that my journey was to now take another turn out of Marshall Creek. It was time to take this cultivated internal solitude and bring it outward to the other end of the spectrum - to San Francisco. I had spoken to a few people at the hostel I had frequently stayed in about the opportunity to work and live at USA Hostels. I soon found myself moving out of Ben Lomond (where Marshall Creek is) into the heart of San Francisco.

Sensory overload. Having gone from a cabin in the woods connected with nature - the trees, the creek, and the gentle forces surrounding it into an environment of over stimulation and conflicting forces, I found it difficult to cope with. It was a constant process of completing things within myself, switching gears from managing my f/t job at American Access Care, working the graveyard shift at the hostel, helping to plan the YJA 2008 Convention, staying in touch with my other business commitments, and moving a long distance relationship forward. Weeks were moving by as fast as days, and days as fast as hours. Being so in the world of "doing" things and meeting deadlines, it became an extreme challenge continuing to be grounded in the "being" of who I was. After all we're human beings, not human doings....

- end of June: The YJA Convention - the endeavor which had monopolized my time for the past 12 months was now only a few short days away. The countless hours of conference calls, of planning, of negotiating, establishing the foundation of a powerful context, confirming meaningful, enigmatic speakers, and creating sessions with a team of extra-ordinary human beings - aligned with one commitment, finally came to fruition.

Soon after, I came back home to Jersey to spend time with my family. Reconnecting with friends, and at the edge of yet another transition. Coming back to a family situation which hadn't progressed much and a father who's health was ailing, I realized that it was prudent to take a semester off and come back home. Yet another crossroads.....on one hand, the city that I had grown to love and which had fueled my spirit and kindred friends who were fellow seekers and on the other, family responsibilities which beckoned my return, I had to make a choice.

- The present: After a month of traveling, b/w Chicago, NJ, Omaha, Chicago, back to NJ, i'm now back at home, centered, regrouped, and ready for the next 4 mos. of intense work ahead. Between studying for the GMATs, managing work, and www.thebabyshowerstore.com, it's time to switch gears yet again.

One of the major things I want to make sure I incorporate this time around is my connection with my creative muses. While I was cleaning the basement the other day, I came across my old journals. I flipped through pages of thoughts from 2000-2003, flipping through pages of dreams, experiences, and poetry I had written, I realized the passion with which I was searching, yearning to find out "Who I am". In the quietness, falling still in the depths of my mind, I realized the importance of that internal dialogue - the value of taking some time to reflect and express the rawness of my feelings and emotions as they came up and found their voice in lyrical rhyme filling empty pages with creativity.

In the end, everywhere you go, there you are....your dreams, your visions, your fears. So often, we want to distract ourselves from the conversations within with external stimuli, be it TV, etc., that we get wrapped up in the cacoon of our own cacaphony, caught in the web of our construction, that the internal voice - our voice gets softer and softer until one day we forget what it is that we really came here for....

Once again not say that any of those things are "bad" or even deterents, but it's about balance. What a blessing it is when you find kindred spirits who are engaged in the personal inquiry of the self, of one's identity, of one's purpose and manifesting it! Be it God, a higher power, the big "S" in Self, there are paradigms and worlds of experience and articulation that we as human beings are capable of. There are realms, which exist outside of the five senses, we can tap into and faculties waiting to be developed which bring the "being" of human being to greater heights. Being back in this place of stillness of presence, I look forward to seeping the roots of who I am even deeper in the human experience .....

There is much to celebrate and much to create...the more we resonate, the more fun it becomes!

With love,
parth

Truly Ramblings....

2008-04-26T10:45:00.001-07:00

It's Sat. morning,
Sitting at the "Cable Car" coffee place on Market St. by the train station, making pigeon noise back at the pigeons, dumping out the crumbs from my bagel, scurrying along as I wait for Pearl Paints to open in about 20 mins.
Enjoying watching people walk by as much as the April Nectar tea I'm sipping. I'm noticing this animated older fellow, saying "Hi" to everyone, shaking his coffee cup in hopes for come change in return for a smile or a warm "hello".
My mind is so funny, I'm noticing all the thoughts of judgment whizzing by, the thoughts of wanting to give advice. Noticing all these suggestions I'd be so quick to give. Like, I know what would be good for him. It's just so funny to me - thinking "I know". What do I know know?
The only thing I really know is how to know, haha. To use what I know in order to know more. What would it be like to know how to "not know"? To realize when "I know", that that "knowing" is really fallible in the overall design of what there is to know, of all the "knowing" that's out there - creating meaning from thought to identification, to assessment to judgment jumps my monkey mind.
To know that that "knowing" my only be useful in that moemtn and let it go the next. To know nothing, to be empty - aahh - bliss.
...At the moment, I feel content simply sipping on this African Nectar and laughing to me myself :-).

Perspective

2008-04-08T03:36:00.000-07:00

To think ... we (as in the States) are less than 250 yrs. old (as of 1776) ...
Australia is about what 400 yrs. old.......
Brazil, even older....
India, even older than that....

yet when the States sneezes, everyone else runs to grab a tissue, and the nearest antihistamine....

It's very important to understand one's place in the context of the world, in the context of history, in the context of the evolution of the human psyche and the contribution of that ....

The need to succeed, what success is measured by, who "am I" in relation to the struggle for that success....contextualizing these things are important if one is REALLY interested in finding one's place in the overall scheme of things ....

There's a difference between spirituality (the ability to connect to the spirit and find its expression) and religion (which is often intertwined with a warped power dynamic and structures created for some to maintain a sense of control and power).

In English, we have the verb "is" ... I am 26 yrs. old, I am a male, I am Parth .... while in Spanish there are two very different and distinct verbs for "is". One that connotes a temporary form (I am happy) and another that connotes a more permanent sense (she IS my mother). In the languaging of age, the actual transliteration of "I am 26 yrs. old" is "I have 26 yrs.". While this may seem like an incredibly simple distinction, the implications are quite profound .... it formulates the very basis of Identity inside of language and the way we formulate and articulate our observations of the world around us.

Inherent in "I am 26 yrs. old" there is an association and identification with the body, whereas in "I have 26r yrs.", there is "I" who simply has 26 yrs. old (based on the body that I have), the "I" is beyond the physical form.

Linguistically, English is a linear language, where one word can have what, 2 maybe 3 different meanings, whereas in a more conceptual language (like Sanskrit or Chinese), one word can be a plethora of meanings depending on the context of the sentence (which is reflective of the depth of it's world view).

In Aramaic, the language contemporary to Jesus Christ, the term "Abwun" was used meaning "the origin of my existence" whereas in the Latin translation, it became "father" ... what a shift from an egalitarian perspective to that of a more patriarchal homogenization of that originating phenomenon. Beginning to inquire into the context of things doesn't package our lives into neat little boxes, but rather blows the top off of what we thought we knew. I'm not saying that everything I'm saying is 100% accurate, I make no such claims, but rather highlight the importance of being engaged in the inquiry of understanding the construction of those mechanisms we hold so near and dear, of those mechanisms that have created the pedagogies that we've been fed ever since we knew how to rationalize and articulate our existence as individuals.

To question these are to question the very things that "the powers to be" have deemed to be "the right way" .... to question these are to fly in the face of authority .... the key, however, is to engage in this inquiry in a respectful way. If we can understand the value of established conventions while inquiring into their limitations, we can actually get present to the best of all of these modes of rationalizing our existence and our place within it. It is in this space that wisdom arises, very different from knowledge.

To be interested in how to form "community", (etymologically, "a common ownership - http://www.etymonline.com/index.php?term=community), let alone a global community - the question now becomes, what are some platforms or underlying currents which would speak to a sense of globality? What are the actual underlying values/experiences of what it is to be human? This would of course take quite an exploration - some have certainly taken ground in this - Joseph Campbell, being one of them and I'm sure a plethora of others who have taken a look at the underlying threads which run beneath various culture's myths, stories, and articulations of experience.

Loaded, I know....it's interesting though isn't it? That as our "context" changes, our experience of ourselves as "content" within it begins to shift....this is what's meant by "critical analysis" and thereby begins the process of awakening ...

Simple Pleasures

2008-04-07T18:14:00.000-07:00

Human Beings ... not Human Doings .... it's all about perspective. Just like THAT, a conversation, a comment, a connection can create those AHA moments that brings the present moment into focus and the significant charge of all those running emotions get released.

Had a great conversation with one of the guys I'm staying at the Hostels with this weekend (by "the Hostel", I'm referring to the USAHostel loc in San Francisco - http://www.usahostels.com/sanfrancisco/index.html). How'd I end up at the hostel again? Had some business in SF, so rather than doing the public transport for 2 hours, I figured since I was in SF for the weekend, might as well relish in the energy and new friends of the Hostel - for $26/night including all the good stuff on their website, one just can't go wrong.

Anyhow, had a great conversation with Julian (a 37yr. old former professional soccer player) earlier about the value of supporting each other as we navigate our way to finding a sense of purpose. People have such potential and possibility, but often get skewed due to our circumstances .... once behind on life management stuff or any other accountabilities, there's definitely a greater propensity to get stressed and frustrated - to succumb to the overwhelm and be left broken more than being made. The latter is typically a post disaster reflection (hopefully not). Most of us profoundly shift due to desperation over inspiration. To be standing and moving forward due to inspiration, it's so important to reach out to each other and support each other while giving space to our pasts and what's being experienced in the present. We've all made mistakes, we've all made blunders in the past, hurt people, been dishonest, been adamant, cut someone off in the pursuit of being right, etc .... and it's just what happened - past tense.

Right now, we're in "what's happening", what will you create now?

In the Friend's list

2008-03-22T01:39:00.001-07:00

Oops, I of course forgot some key people:
Amit, Nirav, Chirag, and the YJA team,
Mike (my milk chocolately brother) and Vipul
And my special someone ... you know who you are :).

Gratitude in stillness

2008-03-22T00:51:00.000-07:00

So as I sit here, laying in bed, at the foot of which is Annie, all sprawled out dreaming in her little cat world, I find myself reflecting.....Reflecting on the past few days since our Spring Equinox event...reflecting on the conversations that have unfolded with April, Maja, and present to my own internal dialogue.

Thinking about what is my life really about? "Play a game that's worthy of your life," said a coach once. "Play until you have you nothing left, go out swinging, be authentic, and if you make a mess, clean it up, and ultimately realize that in the end, it doesn't really mean anything. People play games because of the "play", because the outcome was worth going through the process for. Ultimately, it doesn't mean anything. And it doesn't mean anything that it doesn't mean anything. You play that game because you wanted to and it was the expression of your 'self'".

That game, of course, can be metaphorically extended outside the conventional football, basketball, or rugby to the purpose of one's life. It really hit me the other day the reality of things. That after I die, people will shed a few tears, kick dirt on the body they knew of as Parth or let the pyre burn that body, and probably part and get on with their lives. Ultimately, what does "Parth" really mean? While one some level, people will remember me as the personality that I was, more so it will be what I made my life be about. As with each of us, that will be what will live long past we're physically gone. It will be the love we brought, the ways in which we contributed to another, the ways we fought through those battles within ourselves for something that we believed in, the way we listened to someone in those moments that no one else would. It won't be what we achieved, but we fought through to achieve it, and the way in which we gave it away.

It's interesting, while we're all here at Marshall Creek Center, working ... working on ourselves - finding that balance and creating space for the deep, repressed stuff to come out, undergoing major tiny shifts - working on the extension of that through the creation of this community, centered around creating a space for others to come to place where they can engage in the conversations they may not get anywhere else. We all realize, that while we're working through the process of building this - the process of financing such a place in the middle of the Santa Cruz Mountains, of working on the physical construction of various parts, taking ownership of areas that call to us - be it a community clean up, hosting unique events and workshops, facilitating women's and men's circles, the list goes on.....that ultimately, we're all stewards of an intention that has lived long before us, that is carried forth by many today, and that will live long after us...

The intention of service to humanity, standing for people to get they there whole and complete; that they have everything they need to have anything they want and that there may simply be internal barriers in the way of one achieving that. That each being is beautiful and divine full of strength, power, and ability beyond cognition. The intention to empower (to remind of the power within - em- being synonymous with en- (http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=en-). Why would we do such a thing? I suppose each of us has our own reasons for why we would engage in such a process. For me it's because there's no other game I'd rather play. I guess when you realize how rich and fulfilling life can be, why not do everything to share that with others - or more so, since that's possible for everyone, why not stand in reminding folks what's really possible?

I was talking with Maja this afternoon and she was telling how unconventional it was for someone like me to be living in the woods, being committed both feet in, to be willing to be in the creation of this community, as well as standing for what's possible in the Jain community through YJA ... in that moment, I was present to all of my teachers, my dad for opening the doors to me about the dimensions that exist in non-ordinary reality, my mom who's taught me value of love and laughter, to those who taught me about roots - Mahendra Uncle, Vandana Auntie, and countless other teachers , to my friends - Janet, Vinit, Shibz, Priti, Sheetal, Ruchik (ah, the limitations of language, here succession doesn't mean order of importance)...the list goes on, to my coaches - Ken, Maureen, Shawn, countless others, and to those who affect my life everyday- Maja, Annie, April, Steve, Gillian and others. and those who continue to teach me every day, making to present to the fact that in the end, I don't really matter, I'm merely a tool for an intention that I can choose to own. Thank you.

I am so incredibly blessed.

Spring Equinox at Marshall Creek Center

2008-03-21T00:39:00.000-07:00

Last night marked the end of an old season and the beginning of a new one. At the Marshall Creek Center, we held a Spring Equinox Ceremony (I guess is the closest word for it). It was the first experience of this kind for me, so I found myself initially easing my way into "feeling" and being with what the event was about.

Spring equinox to me signified the end of winter and the beginning of spring - a season that signifies a rebirth of sorts, a time of growing anew, and new beginnings. This of course doesn't mean that one cuts one's self off with the old. I've definitely been guilty of, in some ways, disconnecting from my old life in NJ upon moving to out here to Cali. It certainly hasn't been easy transitioning into a totally new environment: a) in CA away from all of my comfort zones and b) moving here to Marshall Creek in the middle of the Redwoods near the Santa Cruz Mountains nearly an hour and a half south of San Fran. Trying to grapple with the transitions of moving, a tight schedule, managing all of my accountabilities, and most of all with networking breakdown after breakdown. It's been a hard transition to make not only being grounded in a new place, but also following my internal call of engaging in a community which stands for global unity and the upliftment of consciousness. One of the biggest reasons for this long transition was all the traveling I was doing up until about a week ago....I feel like I'm finally getting settled. Not only did this turbulence affect me, but also many of my most cherished friendships. It's true, if something matters enough to you you'll make time for it - I guess what's mattered most to me these past near two months has been getting grounded, in myself and in a clear sense of purpose. This week having been the longest I've actually been at my new place (about a week and a half now), has been the longest I've been here and I find myself still struggling to manage it all, f/t classes, f/t work, 2 internet businesses, and YJA ....

I guess for me, last night marked the time of letting go of all the "stuff" from this past period of transitioning and getting back to basics. An event like this is certainly not necessary for that, but it was nice to relate to the event in that way. From a little after 9p till about 10:30p, we (the 5 of us who're permanently living here - Steve, April, Gillian, Maja, and me - and 2 other folks who came), walked up and down the Creek being in our own space - whether it was drumming, humming, or just being still and acknowledging the moment - we enjoyed the last cold crisp evening of winter. Then from 10:45 until a little after midnight, we sat in circle in the healing center and simply gave thanks, gave thanks for what this past winter brought.

It's interesting in Hindu mythology, Shiva is the god of dissolution. While some believe that Shiva is the god of destruction on a basic level, on a more metaphorical level, he is the god of dissolution signifying the process of things coming to a close in order to create space for a new beginning. The latter is contingent upon the former.

So we spent those initial moments while sitting, bringing winter to a close until the countdown - until about 10:57p when the tides officially turned - Spring was now here. We sat, gave thanks and just celebrated. In the normal humdrum of the "doings" of life, of running around doing this and doing that, it was really nice to take the time to simply be grateful, appreciative of who we are, of each other, of the forces that brought us all together there through some cosmic collaboration and to give thanks for the pple in our lives - especially those I haven't been able to connect with in a long time but still being present to them, to who they really are, to what they're about, and to how much they mean to me.

Being together in a space of partnership and building community, and simply connecting inside of the shared commitment to have this place be a place where people can come, experience, share, be understood, and then contribute - be it take what new opennings they now have and make a difference for the people in there lives, or make a difference in their physical environments, or to support community building efforts at Marshall Creek.

I'm am truly blessed to have finally resonated with an arena to practice community building and to prepare for what's to come. ...

Vulnerability as power

2007-10-25T07:18:00.000-07:00

2 mos. till I go out to San Fran. I'm excited, I'm in anticipation....and I'm sad at the same time. For the past 2 mos., I've been focused on putting everything in motion needed to ensure that my move out there is a smooth one, finances, family, friends. But there was one thing that I hadn't fully let myself be with until just a few days ago .... and that's how much I'm going to miss you New Jersey. How much I'm going to miss all my friends, all my family, all the scores of people who have touched my life and who's lives I've touched. I know, sometimes it's hard being the sentimental dork that I am, but I can't help it....
These past 2 mos., however, rather than letting myself just be with the emotions that having been coming up and sharing them, I've been kicking it into Superman mode, more engrossed in doing, doing, doing as a way to not deal with the emotionality of leaving ... Here's how it's gone in the past, I make friends, form bonds, then I move, I call, I call, people call, I call, I call, people call, I stop calling, people stop calling and whoof, they're all gone and I'm left having to start all over again .... I was about to let it happen again.
Well, by not about to let it happen again, I was fueling the fire of it happening. The very experience of being withdrawn, isolated, and not in communication was happening by me not being authentic about what was really there...and, not to mention, the experience I was leaving others with.
I was on a conf. call with my fellow introduction leaders last Sat. and I couldn't help but let it all out .... through the tears, I expressed how much I'm going to miss it all and how big the hole in my heart really feels...i cried, they listened. I released it all. "Thank you" for getting us present to your world Parth, and you get it doesn't have to be this way ... use this as an opportunity to get your conversation of abandonment complete....use this as an opportunity to free yourself up, restore your power, and choose how you want to be about this.....
Tears stopped. "Thank you for letting us in. For letting us into your experience."
"Thank you"
Having expressed all that, I feel as though this weight has been lifted and I'm back to being me...back to being the connected, related, engaged Parth I and others know me to be .... thank you. I have gotten more done in the past 5 days, than I have in the past 2 wks....

Sometimes the hardest conversations to have are the ones needed to have, and it's surprising how gentle they can be. No matter what they say ... people are kind and caring creatures who want nothing but to love and be loved in return. How long will be go before we all get that??